Do you ever feel swamped in plastic toys that have a way of multiplying when you turn your back?

Then they hold your child’s attention only moments until he is on to the next thing?

Most children have too many toys in general; and most of these toys do not encourage or support children’s optimum play.

Webster defines a ‘toy’ as “an object, often a small representation of something familiar for children to play with; a plaything.” I find this definition somewhat limiting, especially when the definition of ‘play’ is “an activity engaged in for recreation, as by children.”

Children do have fun playing; however, for them it is more than simple recreation. Play is serious business for them.

Play is the way children learn, which means children love and enjoy learning. This is their natural state, a perpetual state of exploring, experimenting, and discovering, and learning. They LOVE it!!

(This is important to remember when we see what happens to children’s love of learning when they participate in most educational programs. I wrote more about this in a recent post How Children Learn Best) http://www.joyousfamilyliving.com/children/how-children-learn-best/

Because play is essential to their optimal development, it is important to provide learning environments that nurtures your child’s full potential to learn. This is where ‘real toys’ come in.

Real toys are real-life objects, such as measuring spoons and cups, lids, jars, rocks, bungee cords. Often the seemingly mundane of objects of life hold great fascination for them.

Older children love much the same materials. What’s different is the complexity and skill with which they use them.

If you observe your child when he is playing, you’ll discover the skills he is developing that motivate him to keep learning.

One of Bas’s favorite activities is collecting things from my desk and seeing what he can create with them. These include my stapler and staple puller, scratch paper, 3 by 5 cards, scissors, tape, pens, markers.

Last week in our backyard, he balanced bricks on a piece of wood, then used it as a lever, then used what he’d made to build a house for Mouse-Mouse. (I’m not sure where he got this name.)

Fifteen minutes later, he’s in another section of our backyard and using redwood needles to build a castle, which he promptly destroyed. Then he decided to build a bridge across a narrow rut using a redwood twig and discovered that it was too short to span the distance.

Then he hunted around and found a couple of longer sticks. Woo-la! He built two bridges!

And so it goes from one exploration – creation to the next and not a single plastic ‘toy’ touched!

Children love real objects. They love materials they can manipulate and which they can use in diverse ways.

Traditional toys, plastic toys, often lack options for creativity and self-expression. They have limited function and learning potential to your child. Once she masters whatever learning is in the toy, she loses interest.

Once you realize your child uses toys for discovery and self-expression, you’ll easily understand your child’s limited attention to these toys.

So next time you consider buying your child something from the toy store, no matter how cute, colorful, or invitingly displayed, take a moment and consider it’s learning and self-expression potential for your child. Many buttons that make different sounds has little potential for either learning or self-expression for your child.

Invest wisely in few toys that give your child hours of exploring and discovery, and remember every-day objects provide optimal learning and self-expression for your child. You can put your wallet away!

While you’re at it, tell your family and friends what you toys you want for your child, especially during the holidays and for his birthday.

Please share with me and other parents what ‘real toys’ your child loves best. What is a toy you purchased for her that enjoyed for a long time? What did she lose interest in quickly?

Your child is such great teacher for you – if you will simply watch her with an openness and willingness to learn. By observing what she does, she will teach you so much about who she is, what she needs and wants from you to develop into who she wants to be

He will also teach you about being who you are and living a full life – if you are willing to learn from him, if you allow him to be who he is.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them
like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
– Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Some of you may know of her or have read her book. Some of you will never have heard of her.

I discovered Jean Liedloff, author of The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost, shortly after my son Orion was born 35 years ago. Her book profoundly impacted me because she confirmed and validated what I already envisioned as a parent.

She inspired me and gave me the courage to continue on the path I had begun. For this, I am deeply appreciative.

For two years as a young woman, Jean lived with Stone Age Indians in the South American rainforest. At first judgmental of their seemingly primitive and inadequate parenting, she discovered a new view of what human nature really is and what our children most need from us. She realized the limitations of our Western, ‘civilized’ ways of parenting.

Here is a must-see video that will most-likely challenge what you believe to be true as a parent and give you profound new insights in perceiving your child. Even if you are the parent of a teen or an adult child, you can learn a lot from this wise woman of our time.

The video is 53 minutes, and it is worth every second. Don’t let this go by! Create a time this weekend to watch it all. Share it with your partner. Let it make a difference in your life!

Watch the video here.

Enjoy!

I had my 3-year-old grandson Sebastian here this week for our usual Tuesday time together. I always enjoy watching his enthusiasm to explore and create.

As I observed and played with him, I discovered something interesting about what he does when he creates, aka plays.

We have a rich variety of cool stuff at our place – two “hick-up’s” (Bas’s word for ‘pick-up’), lots of tools, ropes, bungee cords, a wood pile, all of which invite creating boy-style.

After sitting in the cab of our blue “hick-up” for a while and turning the dials, he asks to look at the area between the seats, an area filled with fascinating tools to explore. He spots the bungee cords, takes the red one, and walks to the back of the truck to find some way to use it, something to hook it to.

The tie-down’s around the pick-up bed are the perfect place. He asks me to lift him into the back of the truck where he hooks one end and then looks for a place to hook the other end. He tries several possibilities and the cord won’t stretch far enough.

Back to the other bungee cords, longer ones. He discovers the white bungee cords will stretch between two of the tie-downs\’s on one side. Next question he asks, “What can I do with this?”

“Ah, I can use it to help me climb up the tire and get in and out of the truck by myself”. He repeats this several times. New hand-holds are discovered and he’s quickly swinging his leg over the top to get in.

Back to the other bungee cords and the process continues until he has 4 bungee cords fastened to 4 tie-down’s. Again he asks, “What can I do with this?”

“Connie, put my cycle (his Big Wheels) in here.”

Now he finds places to hook the unfastened ends of the bungee cords to his bike.

And so it goes. He finds tools (stuff in his physical environment) that catches his eyes and then explores ways to use them. He is in a constant state of exploration and discovery. The question he always seems to be asking is “What can I do with this? How can I use it?”

Thus, he develops both coordination and understanding about our physical world. His curiosity and experimentation motivate him and keep him inspired to discover more principles of our physical world, all of which will keep him safe and help him function successfully the rest of his life.

This is learning at it’s best. In fact, this natural, self-driven way of learning is the best way for children of all ages to learn. He asks questions and finds answers through experimentation, just like any good scientist.

What happens to this natural curiosity and drive to learn as children grow older? Why do children seem to stop being interested in learning and to need the external motivation of grades and gold stars? The answer – we adults believe we need to “teach” them in order for them to learn.

Not true! The best way for children of all ages to learn is finding answers to self-created questions.

How have you created an environment in which your child’s natural curiosity and experimentation have flourished? What could you create to nurture his learning from the inside out?

Please write in the comment space below and share with me what inspires your child, what you’ve done to nurture her interests, or what you’re going to do after reading this article.

This is a big WOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!! to all you mothers and grandmothers

who give the best you’ve got to your children and your family every day.

who ask the important questions when you feel a concern for your child.

who have the courage to do what’s best for your child, even when it means not doing what others expect or want you to do.

who want your child to be who she is and not who you or anyone else wants her to be.

who know and take action to value yourself so you can be fully present to your family.

who care deeply about your child’s Emotional Wholeness and make conscious choices to nurture it.

I celebrate all of you, even when you don’t do it perfectly or get it ‘right’ every time. None of us do.

I hope you do something fun for you this weekend and cherish the special moments you have with your child and your family.

Doug and I are taking Sebastian camping this weekend, something we all love to do while Orion and Nichola are taking a weekend for themselves (with Madison). I am delighted to think of them having a special weekend.

What are you doing this Mother’s Day that is special to you? I’d love to know! Please share your plans with other moms. You just might inspire someone else!

A heart-felt Happy Mother’s Day to you!

My thirty-something son Orion has played video games for many years, perhaps as many as 25; and he loves them. He’s often gravitated toward the violent ones, in which he competes against other players to see who goes down first or who makes it to the end first.

I’ve never worried about him becoming violent or aggressive in day-to-day living because that is not who he is. Children who are happy and mostly enjoying their life are not aggressive toward others. Perhaps he uses it to work out some of his frustration, which I believe is totally acceptable. It’s certainly an opportunity for him to have fun with his guy friends.

Beyond these reasons, I’ve always believed Orion was getting something more from video games that went beyond the ‘violence’ and social interaction, something that was not obvious to me as an outsider.

In fact, I believed an entire generation was gaining something valuable and developing unseen skills from these interactive games. Otherwise, why would so many young people and adults be drawn to them? There had to be something positive, not just the dumbing down of our society.

Fortunately, I have found an answer, one that makes sense to me and to Orion. My answer came from a book I just read Everything Bad Is Good For You: How Today’s Popular Culture Is Actually Making Us Smarter by Steven Johnson.

Since childhood, Johnson has been a strategic game player even before the advent of video games so he gets his unique perspective from his own experience as well as from his in-depth research and his willingness to think out-of-the-box.

The startling discovery he found is people are actually getting smarter since the introduction of technology, which includes video games, reality TV, the internet, and popular TV series, such as 24 and Lost. IQ test scores have not reflected this increase in IQ because they’ve been adjusted upward to account for the increased intelligence and companies are making the tests harder.

The one thing all of these media activities have in common is complexity, both intellectual and social, which demands increased brain functioning. Johnson makes a strong case there is nothing else to which we can attribute this dramatic increase in generation-wide intelligence.

One study he cites I found provocatively compelling, validating and soothing all at the same time. The study looked at three groups of white-collar professionals: hard-core gamers, occasional games, and non-gamers. The surprising results were that gamers were consistently more social, more confident, and more comfortable solving problems creatively. In addition, they showed no evidence of reduced attention span when compared with non-gamers.

Obviously, one study does not indicate total proof, and yet it raises interesting questions for us to consider.

Neither Johnson nor I believe that a life of gaming to the exclusion of live, interpersonal interaction or reading a good fiction or non-fiction book is a good idea. For all of us, finding balance between all the parts of our lives is essential.

Perhaps, though, we can worry a little less and be less negative about our child’s love of video games and TV. We can look for the positive in the choices he makes and seek to understand what he is gaining from all of his activities.

We can reach out to our children in more loving, positive ways so they want to talk with us and do things with us rather than blaming video games and texting for our lack of a close relationship with our child. We need to be accepting role models and allies whom our children turn to for companionship and wisdom.

By expanding our ability to trust our children’s natural desire to succeed and to enjoy her life fully, you will be one giant step closer to being the parent your child needs you to be.

The most important skill for every educator and parent is to be aware of what’s happening with a child emotionally and how he is perceiving and experiencing the world. This is not an exact science nor will it ever be. Yet it is a vital skill to bring out the best in a child.

Because we are all human, you look through your own interior filter, judging and evaluating what you see based on this filter. Your filter includes all the things you’ve learned and decided throughout your life until now.

This means if you believe children need constant guidance from you, you will only see evidence of this and will miss all the child’s actions where she is independent and does quite well without you.

Many people observe through a filter of looking for what’s wrong instead of for what’s right. Because of this, they frequently correct and try to improve their child’s behavior.

Or perhaps you believe that a child who yells is angry, aggressive or mean. You will miss or even misjudge all the times a child is loud because he is passionate and caring deeply about something.

Here are some tips to help you observe outside your usual filters.

1. Mentally step back from your child or the situation. This is simply an internal adjustment that you can make whenever you find yourself too emotionally involved in an interaction or concern. Imagine stepping back to get a wider perspective, like putting a wide-angle lens on your camera.

2. Turn off your ‘right – wrong’ and ‘good – bad’ filters. You want to be a neutral observer, not the prosecutor, judge, and jury. Finding a neutral perspective allows you to see more clearly and to make effective choices.

3. Set aside time every day to observe, to stand back and see what you can see with the intention to discover something new. I suggest you choose a specific time or person or whatever feels best to you.

4. Imagine you are a detective or an explorer in an unknown land. Then you’ll have lots more fun with observation and your discoveries will literally magnify.

By making neutral observation a daily priority, you’ll be thrilled with what you discover about yourself and the children in your life. With this newfound information and awareness, relating with your child will become easier and lots more fun!

Our traditional approach to educating our children with its testing, grades, limiting structure and teacher-directed learning troubles me greatly. I can use words to describe what’s possible. Yet the most effective way is to show you.

That’s why, when I came across this inspiring, beautifully-done video of a child-directed learning program in which children’s natural curiosity and love of learning are nurtured, I had to share it with you.

Voyager Community School in Farmingdale, NJ, created this short video to tell others about their school and to demonstrate the joy and effectiveness of their non-traditional approach to providing an emotionally-nurturing learning environment for children.

I urge you to take just a few minutes right now – it’s less than 4 minutes long – to open your mind and your heart to considering the kind of ‘education’ you want your child to experience as you watch this video.

Then pause for a few moments to consider your child’s educational experience and consider what options you may have to create something more supportive of your child.

Summer is almost here. This is a perfect time to reflect on and create the best option for your child and for you this September.

Here is the viideo! Enjoy!

A friend recently shared the following excerpt from “Everything Bad Is Good For You” by Steven Johnson. It is a spoof on articles decrying video games, based on a fantasy that video games came before reading.

“Reading books chronically under stimulates the senses. Unlike the longstanding tradition of game playing – which engages the child in a vivid, three dimensional world filled with moving images and musical soundscapes, navigated and controlled with complex muscular movements – books are simply a barren string of words on the page. Only a small portion of the brain devoted to processing written language is activated during reading, while games engage the full range of the sensory and motor cortices.

“Books are also tragically isolating. While games have for many years engaged the young in complex social relationships with their peers, building and exploring worlds together, books force the child to sequester him or herself in a quiet space, shut off from interaction with other children. These new “libraries” that have arisen in recent years to facilitate reading activities are a frightening sight: dozens of young children, normally so vivacious and socially interactive, sitting alone in cubicles, reading silently, oblivious to their peers.

“Many children enjoy reading books, of course, and no doubt some of the flights of fancy conveyed by reading have their escapist merits. But for a sizeable percentage of the population, books are downright discriminatory. The reading craze of recent years cruelly taunts the 10 million Americans who suffer from dyslexia – a condition that didn’t even exist as a condition until printed text came along to stigmatize its sufferers.

“But perhaps the most dangerous property of these books is the fact that they follow a fixed linear path. You can’t control their narratives in any fashion – you simply sit back and have the story dictated to you. For those of us raised on interactive narratives, this property may seem astonishing. Why would anyone want to embark on an adventure utterly choreographed by another person?

But today’s generation embarks on such adventures millions of times a day. This risks instilling a general passivity in our children, making them feel as though they’re powerless to change their circumstances. Reading is not an active, participatory process; it’s a submissive one. The book readers of the younger generation are learning “follow the plot” instead of learning to lead.”

I love this spoof on reading! Brilliant! Cultural criticism of video games is over-rated and is not as harmful as many “adults” fear, often because it’s new and appeals to a new generation who require new skills and ways of being.

Perhaps it is not ‘either-or’ but ‘both-and’ with value from both reading and video games. I always love the quote from “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran where he talks about children:

“You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of to-morrow, which you
cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”

May we as adults create the lives that are ours to live and allow children the freedom and respect to create the lives that are theirs to live, without with perpetual doom-saying about the next younger generation.

The operative word here is “trust.”

Excellent research-based article in the Harvard Review about the value of academics in Kindergarten. What works is supporting children in play and their natural development.

We can trust children. All the academic efforts in the early years do not help children become more capable or to be more advanced academically than children who followed their natural internal motivation and learned through play.

You can read the article here.