Do you ever feel swamped in plastic toys that have a way of multiplying when you turn your back?

Then they hold your child’s attention only moments until he is on to the next thing?

Most children have too many toys in general; and most of these toys do not encourage or support children’s optimum play.

Webster defines a ‘toy’ as “an object, often a small representation of something familiar for children to play with; a plaything.” I find this definition somewhat limiting, especially when the definition of ‘play’ is “an activity engaged in for recreation, as by children.”

Children do have fun playing; however, for them it is more than simple recreation. Play is serious business for them.

Play is the way children learn, which means children love and enjoy learning. This is their natural state, a perpetual state of exploring, experimenting, and discovering, and learning. They LOVE it!!

(This is important to remember when we see what happens to children’s love of learning when they participate in most educational programs. I wrote more about this in a recent post How Children Learn Best) http://www.joyousfamilyliving.com/children/how-children-learn-best/

Because play is essential to their optimal development, it is important to provide learning environments that nurtures your child’s full potential to learn. This is where ‘real toys’ come in.

Real toys are real-life objects, such as measuring spoons and cups, lids, jars, rocks, bungee cords. Often the seemingly mundane of objects of life hold great fascination for them.

Older children love much the same materials. What’s different is the complexity and skill with which they use them.

If you observe your child when he is playing, you’ll discover the skills he is developing that motivate him to keep learning.

One of Bas’s favorite activities is collecting things from my desk and seeing what he can create with them. These include my stapler and staple puller, scratch paper, 3 by 5 cards, scissors, tape, pens, markers.

Last week in our backyard, he balanced bricks on a piece of wood, then used it as a lever, then used what he’d made to build a house for Mouse-Mouse. (I’m not sure where he got this name.)

Fifteen minutes later, he’s in another section of our backyard and using redwood needles to build a castle, which he promptly destroyed. Then he decided to build a bridge across a narrow rut using a redwood twig and discovered that it was too short to span the distance.

Then he hunted around and found a couple of longer sticks. Woo-la! He built two bridges!

And so it goes from one exploration – creation to the next and not a single plastic ‘toy’ touched!

Children love real objects. They love materials they can manipulate and which they can use in diverse ways.

Traditional toys, plastic toys, often lack options for creativity and self-expression. They have limited function and learning potential to your child. Once she masters whatever learning is in the toy, she loses interest.

Once you realize your child uses toys for discovery and self-expression, you’ll easily understand your child’s limited attention to these toys.

So next time you consider buying your child something from the toy store, no matter how cute, colorful, or invitingly displayed, take a moment and consider it’s learning and self-expression potential for your child. Many buttons that make different sounds has little potential for either learning or self-expression for your child.

Invest wisely in few toys that give your child hours of exploring and discovery, and remember every-day objects provide optimal learning and self-expression for your child. You can put your wallet away!

While you’re at it, tell your family and friends what you toys you want for your child, especially during the holidays and for his birthday.

Please share with me and other parents what ‘real toys’ your child loves best. What is a toy you purchased for her that enjoyed for a long time? What did she lose interest in quickly?

Some of you may know of her or have read her book. Some of you will never have heard of her.

I discovered Jean Liedloff, author of The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost, shortly after my son Orion was born 35 years ago. Her book profoundly impacted me because she confirmed and validated what I already envisioned as a parent.

She inspired me and gave me the courage to continue on the path I had begun. For this, I am deeply appreciative.

For two years as a young woman, Jean lived with Stone Age Indians in the South American rainforest. At first judgmental of their seemingly primitive and inadequate parenting, she discovered a new view of what human nature really is and what our children most need from us. She realized the limitations of our Western, ‘civilized’ ways of parenting.

Here is a must-see video that will most-likely challenge what you believe to be true as a parent and give you profound new insights in perceiving your child. Even if you are the parent of a teen or an adult child, you can learn a lot from this wise woman of our time.

The video is 53 minutes, and it is worth every second. Don’t let this go by! Create a time this weekend to watch it all. Share it with your partner. Let it make a difference in your life!

Watch the video here.

Enjoy!

This is a big WOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!! to all you mothers and grandmothers

who give the best you’ve got to your children and your family every day.

who ask the important questions when you feel a concern for your child.

who have the courage to do what’s best for your child, even when it means not doing what others expect or want you to do.

who want your child to be who she is and not who you or anyone else wants her to be.

who know and take action to value yourself so you can be fully present to your family.

who care deeply about your child’s Emotional Wholeness and make conscious choices to nurture it.

I celebrate all of you, even when you don’t do it perfectly or get it ‘right’ every time. None of us do.

I hope you do something fun for you this weekend and cherish the special moments you have with your child and your family.

Doug and I are taking Sebastian camping this weekend, something we all love to do while Orion and Nichola are taking a weekend for themselves (with Madison). I am delighted to think of them having a special weekend.

What are you doing this Mother’s Day that is special to you? I’d love to know! Please share your plans with other moms. You just might inspire someone else!

A heart-felt Happy Mother’s Day to you!

A friend recently shared the following excerpt from “Everything Bad Is Good For You” by Steven Johnson. It is a spoof on articles decrying video games, based on a fantasy that video games came before reading.

“Reading books chronically under stimulates the senses. Unlike the longstanding tradition of game playing – which engages the child in a vivid, three dimensional world filled with moving images and musical soundscapes, navigated and controlled with complex muscular movements – books are simply a barren string of words on the page. Only a small portion of the brain devoted to processing written language is activated during reading, while games engage the full range of the sensory and motor cortices.

“Books are also tragically isolating. While games have for many years engaged the young in complex social relationships with their peers, building and exploring worlds together, books force the child to sequester him or herself in a quiet space, shut off from interaction with other children. These new “libraries” that have arisen in recent years to facilitate reading activities are a frightening sight: dozens of young children, normally so vivacious and socially interactive, sitting alone in cubicles, reading silently, oblivious to their peers.

“Many children enjoy reading books, of course, and no doubt some of the flights of fancy conveyed by reading have their escapist merits. But for a sizeable percentage of the population, books are downright discriminatory. The reading craze of recent years cruelly taunts the 10 million Americans who suffer from dyslexia – a condition that didn’t even exist as a condition until printed text came along to stigmatize its sufferers.

“But perhaps the most dangerous property of these books is the fact that they follow a fixed linear path. You can’t control their narratives in any fashion – you simply sit back and have the story dictated to you. For those of us raised on interactive narratives, this property may seem astonishing. Why would anyone want to embark on an adventure utterly choreographed by another person?

But today’s generation embarks on such adventures millions of times a day. This risks instilling a general passivity in our children, making them feel as though they’re powerless to change their circumstances. Reading is not an active, participatory process; it’s a submissive one. The book readers of the younger generation are learning “follow the plot” instead of learning to lead.”

I love this spoof on reading! Brilliant! Cultural criticism of video games is over-rated and is not as harmful as many “adults” fear, often because it’s new and appeals to a new generation who require new skills and ways of being.

Perhaps it is not ‘either-or’ but ‘both-and’ with value from both reading and video games. I always love the quote from “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran where he talks about children:

“You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of to-morrow, which you
cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”

May we as adults create the lives that are ours to live and allow children the freedom and respect to create the lives that are theirs to live, without with perpetual doom-saying about the next younger generation.

The operative word here is “trust.”

If getting your child out the door in the morning is a regular challenge, you’re probably unintentionally making this common mistake: nagging and reminding your child of the things he needs to do – often at the expense of your own happiness and peacefulness.

Every morning as you go through this repetitive pattern with your child you probably feel frustrated, annoyed and possibly even some anger. These feelings make perfect sense given what’s happening between you and your child.

Repetitive reminders don’t work because after hearing the same messages over and over, contrary to what you may believe, your child often stops hearing you. He hears, “Blah – blah – blah.” Your words are like a broken record.

The most powerful antidote to end your morning struggle is for you to develop a clear plan that works for you and that includes your child in a caring way and then to consistently follow-through.

Are you struggling or concerned about a school-related issue? If you’d like some new ideas and strategies that will help you resolve these challenges, check out my new teleclass series : “The Fast Track to Solving the Day-to-Day Challenges of Helping Your Child Succeed in School.”

If you struggle to get your child to do her homework, the most common mistake you’re likely making is taking responsibility for something that is her responsibility. Too much structure imposed by you limits your child’s ability to create structure that supports and works for her. You’re teaching her to rely on you instead of developing her own inner resources.

Plus, the frequent struggle, conflict and pressure you both experience profoundly hurts the emotional connection between you and your child – your most precious resource and delight as a parent.

The most powerful antidote to struggling with your child to do her homework is to empower your child to develop her own approach and plan about her homework and to stay out of her way, being there for her only when you’re asked.

Are you struggling or concerned about a school-related issue? If you’d like some new ideas and strategies that will help you resolve these challenges, check out my new teleclass series : “The Fast Track to Solving the Day-to-Day Challenges of Helping Your Child Succeed in School.”

If you’re like many parents, you worry about your child’s friendships and interactions with his peers. The most common mistake parents make in this area is finding the balance between being too involved or not involved enough.

When you’re too involved, you tell your child how to handle these interactions rather than empowering him to find his own solutions.

If you’re not involved enough, you unintentionally ignore your child’s cues about how he is doing emotionally.

The most powerful antidote to your child’s struggles and poor choices in friendship is empowering your child to develop inner-driven self-confidence and guiding him to find his own powerful, wise answers to his friendship challenges.

Are you struggling or concerned about a school-related issue? If you’d like some new ideas and strategies that will help you resolve these challenges, check out my new teleclass series : “The Fast Track to Solving the Day-to-Day Challenges of Helping Your Child Succeed in School.”

Whether your child is an ‘A’ student or is struggling to ‘pass,’ she daily experiences pressure to perform and meet academic expectations. If she honestly loves school and is relaxed and happy in that environment because school comes easily for her, then she’s probably doing okay.

This is not the case for most children. Most children struggle in one way or another with the pressure to get good grades, learn math and science, to pass the tests, to be the best in their class, to never make a mistake.

If you’re like most parents, the most common and biggest mistake you may make regarding the academic pressure placed on your child is to ignore it. That’s right…ignoring it.

The most powerful antidote to academic pressure to perform in school is a great relationship with your child. With an emotionally close, honest relationship with your child, your child will talk with you about her struggles, her feelings, and you’re there to listen with an open, accepting, loving heart.

From here, the problems of the world can be solved…

Are you struggling or concerned about a school-related issue? If you’d like some new ideas and strategies that will help you resolve these challenges, check out my new teleclass series:  “The Fast Track to Solving the Day-to-Day Challenges of Helping Your Child Succeed in School.”

Children are natural learners as witnessed by their amazing ability to learn to walk, talk, reason, figure things out, imagine new realities – all by the age of 3 and without the benefit of a ‘credentialed teacher.’ Children are naturally curious and are hard-wired to learn and to want to learn.

Yet research shows that by 3rd grade most children have lost their love of learning, their innate drive to learn. Why is this? What happens in school that makes it limiting of chilldren’s natural desires and abilities?

Schools get a lot of criticism these days, mostly because students are not learning so we’re placing more pressure on schools to produce academically. Schools feel the need to teach to the test, everyone working toward the seemingly all-important test scores.

Yet I believe that the biggest determiner of a child’s ability to learn and ultimately succeed in life is their Emotional Wholeness, their emotional well-being, their confidence, connection with themselves and others, and their love of learning, not their grades or test scores.

Schools place demands, expectations and challenging situations on children, which take them away from their natural abilities to learn. I’m concerned that many of the ‘high expectations’ can actually be a deterrent to a child’s happiness and ability and desire to learn.

The other day I started thinking about all the ways that children feel pressure by participation in school. Here are the ones I’ve thought of so far and not in any particular order. Please add your own to this list.

Important Note: I am not saying these apply to all schools. There are many innovative, child-centered programs. Still, I believe all of the following are cause for concern.

~ Dealing with lots of people and social interaction within a relatively small space, aka ‘crowding’

~ Have to sit in desks, uninteresting circle times for often long periods of time – even if you love to move, need to move to learn and be happy.

~ Pressure to conform and fit in with her peers so it is difficult to be himself

~ Expectations to learn information up to specified standard within a given time frame, whether it is interesting to you or not, whether it is easy or difficult

~ Expectations to master skills and information even when not developmentally ready

~ Pressure to earn high grades from teachers and fellow students

~ Interactions with other children that can be hurtful, abusive, or isolating, all of whom are struggling with their own emotional challenges

~ Expected to do what the teacher tells him, even if it makes no sense

~ Little time for social interactions and communication with other children or adults

~ Most schools teach to children who naturally have linguistic, aka reading and language, and who have mathematical intelligences. If this is not a child’s natural learning style, school becomes difficult and unfulfilling.

~ Lots of homework in the evening, which means limited time to play, be a child, and listen to herself

~ Demanded to conform to someone else’s predetermined schedule

~ Rushing to get out the door in the morning

~ School-related issues often result in conflict and angry words with Mom and Dad, which is deeply painful to everyone, and creates distance and mistrust between child and people he loves and cares about the most

~ School and homework takes up much of a child’s day, leaving little time to relax, do nothing, enjoy being a kid, enjoy Dad and Mom

~ Short periods during the school day to play and be a child, to explore and be who you are

~ Children are expected to listen more than to talk and express themselves

~ Children come to believe that failing in school reflects on their capability and worth as a person, so struggling in school often affects children’s self-esteem and self-confidence
So what are the pressures you see in your child and feel in your home? What are the biggest difficulties and challenges you and your child experience connected with school? I’d love to have you share them with me below!

Are you struggling or concerned about a school-related issue?If you’d like some new ideas and strategies that will help you resolve these challenges, check out my new teleclass series : “The Fast Track to Solving the Day-to-Day Challenges of Helping Your Child Succeed in School.”

I was talking with a therapist friend and colleague recently. She shared with me how much busier she is now that school has started. Children and parents are both feeling the increased pressure and stress of a school schedule  and all its responsibilities.

We lamented how hurtful and high-pressure school is for children of all ages. She shared with me that even young people whom she counseled during the summer show increased signs of stress and anxiety.

Pressure, stress and worry are simply not good for your child. No matter what the motivation behind it. This includes all children, whether your child is the A student or the one who is struggling to get a passing grade.

Schools are mandated to help your child learn, to teach her the information and skills she needs to succeed in our society. The No Child Left Behind Act places dramatically more pressure on teachers and schools to reach specific academic standards. This pressure is  passed on to your child.

Children are being forced to grow up too quickly. They need play time, down time, time to listen and connect with themselves. David Elkind talks about this in all of his books, including The Hurried Child.

You most likely agree with this. So what can you do?

You may not be able to control what the school does, and you do have control over what you do. Think about how to best support your child emotionally.

Your child will take his cues from you. If you’re a parent who worries that your child’s future success depends on getting high grades in school, re-examine your priorities.

At what price to his Emotional Wholeness do you want him to get high grades?

Talk honestly together to find a solution that is best for her in all ways.

Be courageous!

If you’d like some new ideas and strategies that will help you resolve these challenges, check out my new teleclass series : “The Fast Track to Solving the Day-to-Day Challenges of Helping Your Child Succeed in School.”